Why I don't cook

My mom has always joked that I need to find myself a housewife.  That may be true in the states when I'm busy working, but I'd like to think I can be my own housewife here in Nicaragua.  Except that here, I have a maid who cleans and does my laundry every week for about $5.  And I still can't cook.


My friends here are big on group cooking events, so I have gotten very good at cutting vegetables for the grill.  Skills include red peppers, green peppers, onions and zucchini.  O, and I'm an expert at cutting pineapple and papaya now.  Applying these skills to my own mini-kitchen, I've gotten hooked on the gigantic carrots they have at the grocery store (I honestly do not know how they get them that big!)  Cooked carrots have become a nearly daily dinner occurence now. 

Ridiculously large carrots that I love next to eggs (which are normal sized here) and my finger for comparison.  And yes, I'm the weirdo that not only loves carrots but takes pictures of them for a blog.  You are welcome.

But let's get to the real story of this post: There's this certain Nica food called "salpicon" which may be one of the best things I've ever eaten.  It's basically boiled beef with lots of salt, lime and onion, according to what they bring for my $1.50 lunch.  They only have salpicon one day a week and you never know exactly what day.  So it's always exciting.

Anyways, I figured I'd try to make it.  Afterall, I was getting so good at cutting vegetables, salpicon seemed like a natural next step.  Keep in mind, I'm the girl that generally stick to sandwiches and breakfast foods (yogurt, eggs, cereal, etc) for most meals because they are 1) delicious and 2) easy.  The simpler the meal, the better.

First a disclaimer: it's not as easy to cook here as you would think.  My stove and oven do not have temperatures.  Just max & min.  I've now made and burnt 2 pans of brownies and let me tell you, it takes 2-4 soak/scrubs to get crisp brownies off a glass pan.

So why I thought it was a good idea to make salpicon I do not know.  But it went like this...

- Went to the grocery store and walked up to the meat counter.  I told the lady I wanted to make salpicon and that I didn't know what type of meat I needed.  She told me so I asked for 1/2 a pound.  She looked at me like I was crazy.  I said "is that a lot?" No, apparently that is very little, so I walked away with 1 pound of bloody meat (gross!).

- Came home and looked up a recipe for salpicon.  Turns out, I can't find the Nicaragua version anywhere and I don't have the ingredients for the other versions because I have a mini-kitchen, I'm leaving in a month or so and oh, yeah, I don't cook.  Just gonna wing it.

- Read a recipe online.  The meat has to boil for 1.5-2 hours.  It takes twice as long to cook this stupid piece of bloody meat as it does to cook (or burn) brownies.  And it's not even chocolate.  I decide to freeze the meat.

- A week later I decide it's time to man-up, or woman-up in this case, and cook the darn thing.  2 hours later, it's still not tender.  Time for google...

http://www.google.com/search?q=boiled+meat+not+getting+tender&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:es-NI:IE-SearchBox&ie=&oe=

Apparently you shouldn't have it on a high temperature to begin with, even though the recipe said boil, so I put it on the max setting.  Oops.  But did I seriously think I was actually going to get it right? That would be the day.

- The Bachelor is on and I don't feel like working out quite yet, so I decide to hand-shred this non-tender meat.  Being a perfectionist, it takes forever.

- Add the lime and salt, taste it.  Not the best, but pretty close.  Except now I'm so sick of the smell of onions on my hands and 2 hours of smelling this boiling beef that I've lost my appetite.  Into the fridge it goes.

So I made salpicon, or something that I call salpicon.  And I probably will never make it again.  And I'm going to enjoy my $1.50 salpicon for lunch this week that much more.

Sandwich anyone? 

O Nicaragua...

I think when you truly love someone, their little idiosyncrasies that make them who they are drive you nuts and also make you laugh.  Considering that I'm falling in love with the country of Nicaragua (and the developing world in general), I wanted to share some of its idiosyncrasies that drove me nuts today.  Prepare yourself for a little Julie sass.

I needed import and export data for all products going in and out of Nicaragua.  Now, you are probably thinking (naively), as I did, that these would be managed by the same government organization.  This is not the case. 

Additionally, neither imports nor exports are available online (fully).  And the small sampling of data that is available online is in PDF, but let's not get me too riled up.  I am truly thankful for this valuable opportunity to practice my copy/paste skills- add that to my resume.

For the record, I would hardly consider USA Trade Online the golden standard, considering their website looks like I made it.  But I am at least proud to be an American considering the alternative...

Nicaraguan government websites look like advertisements for a kindergarten. 

Pink, really?  I mean, it's my favorite color, but even if I was the princess of this country, I wouldn't use pink webpages.  If I can't wear a tutu all the time, a government should not use pink, childish designs.

And just quickly notice the revolutionary language they use... Daniel Ortega may have overthrown a dictator, but he turned himself into an "avant-garde" version, with revolutionary propaganda masking his unending rule.

Ok, but let's get back to my story...

So I need export data.  Piece of cake.  Just email Ana Maria who gives me the email of the infamous but only semi-elusive webmaster at CETREX (website design TOTALLY beats USA Trade Online, by the way).  Send off an email, get a reply saying I can't have all that data, re-design data request in new email and.....  still waiting for the reply.  But I'd say that's serious progress compared to....

The NIGHTMARE that is import data.  They should write children's fairytales warning us all about DGA so that we can prepare for this at an early age.  Cause I just got blindsided after 25 years of assuming the world worked a certain way.  Think black hole meets maze meets bureaucracy and you'll have a pretty good perspective on the paradigm shift I underwent during the following steps...

Step 1) Go to DGA website. Search for data but only find PDF snippets (no surprise here).  Call numbers on the page.  First number doesn't work, try the next.  Try the next.  Eventually get through.  Ask in Spanish how to get the data.  You have to go to their office.  Ok.

2) Have the office manager, Raul, take you to the office.  He's busy, so Omar comes to the rescue.  Show up at MAGFOR offices (Wait, MAGFOR and DGA share offices?  Yes.  O, ok).  Ask for data.  Turns out you need to write a formal note requesting it (not an email, but a formal note, on company letter head)

3) Go back to office.  Write formal note.  Have colleague review formal note because you Spanish is anything BUT formal and you do NOT want to offend the beast that is DGA with a grammar mistake.  Figure out how to print formal note on company letter head.  Make Omar drive you back to DGA/MAFGOR.  Drop off note.

If you think you're done, just wait...

Receive a call that afternoon saying that the very same person you spoke to before (who is now calling you) gave you the wrong information.  You need to address the letter to Eddy instead.

4) Re-write and print letter.  Get Raul to drive you.  He forgets, so go later that afternoon.  Drive time takes longer than it seemed to before.  Turns out, there are multiple offices and you're now at a different one.  Hmmm.

5) Drop off letter (or try to). Eddy is actually at this office and not the MAGFOR/DGA one so lucky for you that Raul drove this time and not Omar.  Unfortunately, the lady there says you need a copy of your passport and a letter from an attorney to submit the request to the General Director of DGA.  O, and the data costs $5 per month and $10 per year, unless the General Director decides to waive the fee.  My Nica lunch costs $1.50.  This is pure robbery.

6) Debate whether this is all worth it and hand over the responsibility to your boss.  Focus on researching JUST coffee instead.

I think I am going to start a non-profit website dedicated to navigating the DGA.  O and it will have no pink and no revolutionary slogans.  Think I could get USAID to fund it?